I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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