Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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