As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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