He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Can I color on your dick again?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
