I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
