The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize