Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
