I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
