Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
