We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
These tits shall not be calmed
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
