He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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