Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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