My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
