dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
