apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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