Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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