he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
