So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
