thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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