My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
