I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Houston, we have a blender
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
