I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
