checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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