dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
