i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
