You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
