I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
