Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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