Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
