I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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