my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
