I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
