I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
