I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
