ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
