imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Sober January is a disaster.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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