Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
