I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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