I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
