I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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