peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
