Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
