Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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