got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
