so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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