I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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