Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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