Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize