my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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