Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
