My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
