Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
