Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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