So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize