Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
