During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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