i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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